I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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