just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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