ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
