Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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