Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
