you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
