I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize