Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Randomize
