I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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