if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
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I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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