As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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