Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
