he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
