i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
