I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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