Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
