I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
