I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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