also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
