I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
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I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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