Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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