I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
