I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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