We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
