my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
