I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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