Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
