come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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