My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
