i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
