Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
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This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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