The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
