mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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