I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
