how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Im part way to drunk.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
