I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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