I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
