Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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