if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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