No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
