you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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