too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
