we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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