I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
