Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
