so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
