did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
