69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
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