My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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