I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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