shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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