Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
