Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We have so much sex to catch up on
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
