Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
