just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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