I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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