What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
