He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
