I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
