On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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